Create in me a clean heart...

I hope everyone has had an amazing summer!!! (& winter for those in the southern hemisphere). London has been gorgeous this summer – lots of light, an abundance of visitors, church is alive, the parks have been full, and I have enjoyed my first summer season with an extremely fun and active child companion. Happy days.

This summer the scripture that has been mulling over in my mind is -

Matt 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart, 
For they shall see God.

As a Christian, as well as worship leader i.e. someone who stands in front of people with the intention of leading them into God’s presence; the state of my heart is critical. The big question that continues is - "Is my heart pure?"

I know it seems like the basics and perhaps after 11 years of leading worship and a lifetime of knowing God, I should’ve nailed the pure of heart thing by now - but I am becoming more and more aware that the older I get the more threatened my heart becomes. It seems - the more I have, the less I tend to rely on God; the more experience I gain the less preparation I sometimes put in; the more I attain the more I have to lose & the easier it is to get insecure. The risk is, my flesh becomes more able, the child within grows older, and life gets more complicated.

Psalm 24:3-4 Who may ascend the hill of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.

This summer I have been thinking about when I first started leading worship (can’t believe its over 11 years ago now) and how I felt so unable to do it. I had no experience, no idea what I was doing – but I did have a heart so in love with Jesus, so happy to know him that I simply couldn’t stop singing about Him. Experience and people’s approval I never considered to be a prerequisite, I was completely dependent on Him. I was always surprised when someone would give me a compliment after I had led worship, thinking “I simply don’t understand how I could be ‘good’ at this, it must of really been God up there...”. I was just as happy to stand at the back of the church and worship as I was to be on stage. And actually I didn’t care to have any sort of position or recognition because all week long I just loved worshiping God – I had access to Him in my bedroom, on the beach and in the streets. Just like a child (I was a child, even though I didn’t think it!) nothing was that complicated. It would sadden me when people would lose there love for God and disconnect from their church community, and in my daily week I couldn’t stop talking about Jesus to all those that didn’t know him.

Here I am years later, a wife, a mum and “Worship Leader” by profession. I still love God just as much – in fact He has done so much work within me that I have more to praise Him for. He has been so gracious to me and I am just as passionate about worship and lifting up His name. BUT, I must say, through the years my flesh and my spirit have battled, going through cycles of withholding and surrendering - the more I’ve gained the more I’ve seemed to hold on to, becoming less dependant on Him and more reliant on my own experience, position, man’s approval, caring about how “successful” I am etc, etc.

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Recently I pulled out an old CD that used to be one of my favorites when I was a kid – “Waking up The Neighbours” By Bryan Adams. I used to play that thing over and over in my bedroom and cry out from my heart “Everything I do, I do it for you”. That was my favorite worship song… “There’s no love, like your love” I would so passionately pour out my heart to God, no one was watching, no one was listening, no one cared, and neither did I - But God was there. That girl was the worshiper in me. That girl is the worshiper in me – the girl that God has anointed (for some reason!) and that is the person I want to remain…

Child like

Utterly in love with His presence

Completely reliant on His spirit

Wholly surrendered at His feet

Unable to do anything without Him

Passionate about Him all week long

Able to see Him in full Glory in every ordinary and magnificent day He gives me.

When I pick up my guitar this Sunday and stand in front of a microphone I want it to be the truth that I sing, not just words that sound good.

So God, as we continue to serve you this term let our goal not be “to get better at what we do”, but simply, to be blessed with a pure heart and to be able to see you in everything. Lord, create in us a clean heart, undistracted, undiluted and always worshipping to an audience of one.

Love Nikki xx